Adopted voice: Whose son, whose daughter
The question of a lifetime The complexity of my adoption story makes it a challenge to tell, but telling it is, I think, essential. It’s a way to preserve memories of the living and dead, to lend their lives some meaning, and to give thanks for the good fortune of having been raised by loving […]
Q&A: FASD and the senses
The growing body of knowledge about interventions and supports that promote success for people with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders (FASDs) often overlooks sensory sensitivities, which can compound their other challenges. While most of us can unconsciously screen out the slight smell of a cleaning product or the faint hum of a computer, many people with […]
Adopted voice: Looking homeward
I remember the noise the most. Car engines idled noxious gasses into the air; heavy footsteps snapped across well-worn concrete. The delicious yet unfamiliar smells of Asian street food filled my nostrils. I stood close to my parents, at the edge of a street corner. Together, we gazed across the road to a building. Above […]
Inuit custom adoption
In the beginning For thousands of years, the customary practice of Inuit families giving their babies to other Inuit families to love as their own has been intricately bound to Inuit culture, worldview, and the kinship system. If a couple couldn’t conceive, they would be humbly and lovingly given a baby. If a child died, […]
Increasing adoption placement success
A strengths-based approach Everyone begins a new adoptive placement with high hopes that a “forever” family has been created. Sadly, about 15% of adoptive families find their dreams shattered as they realize that despite everyone’s best intentions, the adoption isn’t going to work. An adoption breakdown is heartbreaking for everyone involved: the social workers who […]
Health issues in international adoption
Are you considering adopting internationally? Are you interested in learning about specific health issues facing children coming home to Canada? If so, this video is for you. This video will review common health concerns including infectious conditions such as tuberculosis and intestinal parasites, immunizations—both home and abroad—and review laboratory testing to consider with your family practitioner […]
A waiting parent’s plea
Inspiration from Alberta For 32 years, Alberta has profiled children in need of adoption on their weekly Wednesday’s Child TV program. For 12 years, the province has also successfully profiled “harder to place” children on a public website. These campaigns regularly generate new applications from potential parents who go on to be matched with waiting […]
Adopted voice: Finding silver linings
Sticks and stones Remember that rhyme you learned as a child? “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me.” Obviously words can’t cause physical harm, but I’ve learned they definitely can cause emotional pain, the kind you hold in your heart and wear on your sleeve. The kind that leaves […]
Q&A with the Asante Centre: FASD and adoption
Allison Pooley is the Program Director at the Asante Centre. She assists individuals, family members, and service providers in understanding the diagnostic process as well as the implications for providing integrated post-assessment supports and services. Allison has been involved in FASD prevention and intervention efforts for numerous years both in northern B.C. and the Lower Mainland, […]
Meet the Vaillancourt family
My first encounter with the idea of children in care who needed families was during a church service as a little girl. The speaker shared unsettling statistics about kids who age out of care and end up incarcerated, homeless, or worse; kids who are separated from their siblings; and young adults who have no place […]
Many doors, no master key
Brandan’s story – and mine As the adoptive parent of 10 children with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorders, I know how difficult it can be to access services and develop a support network for people with FASDs. I regularly give presentations about FASD to groups, using the story of my son Brandan’s life (with his full […]
Our journey
It’s been hard to see my things destroyed, my personal space obliterated and my patience shattered. It’s been an adjustment to keep up with multiple appointments, lack of information and countless phone calls. It’s been a struggle to not ask too much, push too hard or back off too far. We’ve been through nightmares, perfect […]
Adult adoption: My journey
A story of two unconventional adoptions This is the story of an adoption that seemed like it would never happen, but that worked out almost miraculously in the end. I was adopted twice. In the first year of my life my adoptive mother and I were united in an unconventional way. At the age of […]
Ask the expert: Identity matters
Lisa Gunderson is a Registered Clinical Counsellor who focuses on multicultural issues. She is an award-winning educator and inclusivity consultant for educational and organizational institutions. During her Ph.D. in clinical psychology, she specialized in issues for minoritized youth, including ethnic identity. We asked Dr. Gunderson your questions about identity. My child (11 years old) completely […]
Meet the Calhoun family
Like many couples, John Calhoun and Carly Bates found their way to adoption after experiencing infertility. It wasn’t an out-of-left-field choice for them, though. Carly says she told John on their first date that she wanted to adopt. It just took them a few years to get there. They knew they wanted to experience what […]
Mother’s Day and the adoptive Mom
Mother’s Day brings to mind fresh flowers, blueberry pancakes and homemade cards. It’s a day to be spoiled and fêted by family. But for me, an adoptive mother, it’s never as simple as the Hallmark holiday it’s touted to be. Don’t get me wrong: I feel deep joy in my role as mom to my […]
Caring for Indigenous children
Hn’ skʷést Npànkìtc a (My traditional name is Npànkìtc a) and my English name is Loren Sahara. Nłeʔkepmxkn Scw̓éxmxkn ncéweʔ (I am from the Nłeʔkepmx Nation – people of the creeks). As an Indigenous person, a Caring for First Nations Children Society (CFNCS) instructor, and an adoptive parent, I have been witness to a powerful journey of […]
Ask the expert: When parenting gets tough
Adoption is a rewarding journey, but it can come with unexpected challenges. If your child is struggling to adjust, you’re not alone. Social worker Susan Lees shares insights and resources to help adoptive parents navigate this journey with support and confidence. “Two years ago we adopted a child of six. We have found parenting him […]
Parents or children: Whose job is it to change?
I was presenting at a workshop recently and mentioned, in an off-hand way, that I wondered what surprises we would find with our next adoption. A woman in the front row shot up her hand (front row people are like that). “What do you mean your next adoption? You already have nine children. Why would […]
Meeting the challenges of parenting a special needs teen
In her book, The Face In the Mirror, Marion Crook provides an in-depth examination of teens feelings and perceptions about adoption. She says, “Adopted children need reassurance that they are loved and wanted…. Their appetite for proof that their parents love them and will continue to love them may seem insatiable.” Jayne is such a child. […]
How one adoptive family handles racism
In our experience, the best lessons we can offer are those that teach our children to externalize racism and assure them we will always be there for them. Externalizing racism Because my husband and I do not share our children’s racial or cultural backgrounds, we work extra hard to help them develop skills and strategies […]
Q&A: What people ask us about adopting special needs children
Note: This Q&A was originally published in 2013, when terms like “special needs” were more commonly used. We recognize that language evolves, and we now typically use terms such as “support needs,” “complex needs,” or “disabilities.” We’ve kept the original wording to preserve the authors’ voices and experiences as they were shared at the time. […]
Tips for families considering NAS or alcohol-affected babies
Adapted from: Susan Edelstein, Children with Prenatal Alcohol and/or Other Drug Exposure: Weighing the Risks of Adoption. Washington, DC: CWLA Press, 1995. Source: The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (adoption research and studies).
Journey to recovery
This powerful story was the keynote speech at Growing Together: a retreat for parents of persons with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) in January 2010. Hi, my name is Nicolas. First of all, I’d like to thank the organizers of this retreat for asking me here to share with you. I’d also like to thank […]
The grandmother clause
The impact of including grandparents in the adoption (and post-adoption) process. The impact of open adoption on birth and adoptive families is only beginning to be understood. Recent research explores the perspectives of birth grandmothers who had direct contact with their birth grandchildren. The findings clearly demonstrate some of the benefits and challenges of open […]
The homestudy explained
Social worker Carol Blake demystifies what can seem to be a nerve wracking and intrusive process-the adoption homestudy. Quick! Vacuum the rug, dust the furniture, alphabetize the spice rack, the social worker is coming over! The day has finally arrived; your social worker is coming over to start the homestudy. What does she want to […]
Living openness: On showing up
Getting to know you Someone once said that “ninety percent of life is showing up.” This is particularly true in open adoption – something I learned from my son’s birth dad, William. We met William, and his very pregnant girlfriend Sierra, four years ago. He was late, and we were nervous. Sierra’s mother had blown […]
Ask the expert: Open adoption
This article explores what open adoption really means and how it can benefit everyone involved. My wife and I are looking to adopt. We’ve been told that open adoption is the trend these days. Just how open is open? I’m concerned that the birth mother will take over our lives and that our child won’t […]
Navigating anxiety
I have always been anxious. I didn’t recognize it until my mid 30s, when I went through full-blown, severe anxiety and depression. After months of hell, I saw the pain as the message it was: “you need to change.” During a lengthy process of growth and learning, I looked back and saw the patterns of […]
The truth about confabulation
Is it lying? No, it’s confabulation and there’s a big difference! Time and time again we hear from adoptive parents that one of the hardest behaviours to take is children lying to them. They experience the lie as a personal affront, a show of disrespect, and a harbinger of anti-social behaviour to come. There are […]
What is open adoption?
Ask five people what their definition of open adoption is and you are likely to get five answers. Some may think that allowing an expectant parent to choose the prospective adoptive parents from a profile of non-identifying information is an open adoption. Still others may say that those who met prior to placement and who […]
Am I ready to adopt a sibling group?
Are you thinking of adopting a sibling group? Before you decide, ask the following: If you have answered “No” to any of these questions, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t adopt a sibling group! It means that you need to think carefully about the topics you have answered “No” to. Talk to one of our Family […]
Family is big to Sean Carlo
Sean Carlo is father to 15 children with 11 of them still at home. How does he cope? One child at a time. Sean Carlo and his wife Debbie started thinking about adoption some time after their fifth child, a daughter, was born. They often looked after four neighbor girls and found it too quiet […]
Birth fathers: In the shadows of adoption
Adoption expert, Mary Martin Mason, asks us to open our minds about birth fathers – a much misunderstood segment of the adoption world. At best, he is viewed as a mystery man; at worst, he is seen as a villain. But in almost all cases, birth fathers are deeply misunderstood. “The emotional cost of the […]
Respite: how to make it a reality for your family
Respite is a vital support for many adoptive families, but it can be a challenge to access funding and to find trustworthy and reliable caregivers. In this article, an adoptive mom of many explains how to make respite a basic part of your family lifestyle rather than a last resort. “I can’t deal with this […]
Adoption for beginners
Am I ready to adopt? Before you decide, consider the following questions: If you have answered “No” to any of these questions, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t adopt a child, it means that you need to think carefully about the topics you have answered “no” to. Talk to your adoption agency, a counsellor, or one […]
Diary of an Adoptive Mom series
Here are some of the articles from our long-running Diary of an Adoptive Mom series. This adoptive mother shares her experiences and secret thoughts of raising three children. This series ran from 2006 to 2010. Note: Diary entries #1 to #7 are unavailable
Siblings with FASD
An honest account of the fun and frustration involved in growing up with twin brothers who both have FASD. When I was in kindergarten, my parents adopted two-year-old twin brothers. They brought with them a double-dose of both love and of calamity. On the spectrum, both boys were easily diagnosed as “severely affected.” The first […]
Family matters: Telling about birth siblings
A few months ago, we told our 6-year-old son that he has two older birth siblings who live with his birthmom. He doesn’t want to see photos of his siblings, or talk about it. How can we help? At this age, kids are just beginning to understand the idea of adoption and where babies come […]
BC transracial adoptee shares her story
Why did you write the book? The inspiration (this is one of a series of books) stems from my own experience and from talking to adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents. Throughout my life I’ve had to answer so many “why?” questions: “Why is your skin so dirty?” “Why don’t you look like your mom […]
Adoption for family and friends
We are pleased to share with you some information on adoption. We hope it will help us all to celebrate the adoption in our family. Adoption ABCs Opening up adoption Fostering the facts Transracial adoption Most parents who have adopted a child of another race or culture have stories about hurtful and racist remarks. This […]
You know your child. Be an advocate.
Galya was adopted from Russia at age 11. Her new parents quickly learned ways to help their child with this momentous transition. They also fought the school system, which so often fails to acknowledge the challenges faced by an internationally adopted child. Galya was almost 12 years old when we brought her home from Novosibirsk. […]
Help your child: Focus on strengths
Tara Webber, Registered Clinical Counsellor and adoptive mom, provides her tips on building a struggling child’s self-esteem. If you ask children what they do well, there is usually a long pause as they search for an answer. Ask them what they don’t do well, and they have an instant list. When I was working as […]
Recognizing and coping with post-adoption depression
Like new biological parents, some adoptive parents can become blue or even experience some depression once a baby or child comes home. This can occur for several reasons. It’s nothing to be ashamed about, but you do need to recognize it and get some help. I remember walking down the streets of East Vancouver pushing my newborn baby’s […]
Diary of an Adoptive Mom #18
In the eighteenth of our series, we present the, until now, secret thoughts of an adoptive mom of three kids–Emily and her new siblings, Grant and Lynn. This time, mom celebrates the imminent finalization of the children’s adoption, and gains some valuable information. I can’t believe it! The social worker just phoned and said she […]
The language of hurt kids
Psychologists have given us a concept of non-verbal communication that makes an incredible amount of sense in the context of adoption — it is called inducement. Those of us who live or work with adopted children need to understand that inducement is the language of the abandoned. Inducement is the most important conceptual tool we […]
When emotional development is delayed
Your adopted child’s early life experiences may have caused a delay in their emotional development. Child and family counsellor and behaviourist, Carol Olafson, explains how paying attention to emotional development can help you and your child. Emotional development is thought to be one of the most important factors in individuals being able to function well […]
Diary of an Adoptive Mom #16
In the sixteenth of our series, we present the secret thoughts of an adoptive mom of three kids: Emily and her new siblings, Grant and Lynn. This time, a camping trip tests Diary Mom’s patience, and she prepares for a new school year. It’s been a hectic summer, and I have to admit some of […]
Diary of an Adoptive Mom #15
In the fifteenth of our series, we present the—until-now—secret thoughts of an adoptive mom of three kids. This time, our struggling mom has been given an assignment by a behaviourist, Roz, who has some hard truths. Well, here’s another of those heart-wrenchingly truthful journal assignments from Roz. Things I wish I’d have known before adopting […]
Diary of an Adoptive Mom #14
In the 14th of our series, we presen the secret thoughts of an adoptive mom of three kids, Emily, Grant, and Lynn. This time, our struggling mom realizes that, though it’s slow, she is making progress with her kids. February Although I haven’t written in a while, don’t start thinking things are getting dull around […]
