Adoption is not a single conversation; it is a lifelong relationship shaped by identity, connection, loss, belonging, and openness
Though the practice and forms of openness will vary for each family, effective caregiver responses surrounding openness can strengthen trust, emotional safety, and attachment with their children.
This guide is intended to help support adoptive caregivers in their learning and practice of openness with their children. Not everything included here will work for you, but we hope it can guide and inform some of the important (and difficult) conversations that you will have over the years.
Considerations for caregivers to reflect on
- How do my own beliefs, experiences, or fears about birth family relationships
influence how I talk about openness? - What spoken/unspoken messages might my child receive about their birth family
from me? - How comfortable am I with uncertainty, questions, and emotions that may arise
around openness? - How can I balance safety and boundaries while supporting my child’s connection
to their history and identity? - Am I prepared for my child’s feelings and questions to change as they grow
and develop?
Skills and tips to support healthy engagement around openness
- Be curious rather than defensive when your child asks questions about their birth family.
- Use positive, respectful language when discussing birth family members.
- Keep communication developmentally appropriate while remaining honest.
- Create regular opportunities for adoption-related conversations instead of waiting
for your child to ask. - Recognize that openness is a lifelong process that evolves over time.
Skills and tips for navigating difficult conversations
- Pause and validate emotions before providing explanations or information.
- Answer the question being asked rather than overwhelming children with too much info.
- Use language that separates a person from their behaviour (e.g., “Your birth parent struggled with…”).
- Acknowledge uncertainty when information is unavailable or unknown.
- Return to conversations over time—one discussion is rarely enough.
Helpful strategies for conversations with children of all ages
- Listen more than you speak.
- Validate emotions before correcting facts.
- Use open-ended questions such as “Tell me more about that.”
- Normalize ongoing curiosity about identity and family connections.
- Initiate and revisit conversations as children mature and gain new understanding.
- After you answer, finish with “is that enough information or do you have another question?”
Developmental conversation prompts and helpful responses
Early childhood (ages 3–6)
Prompt: Why don’t I live with my birth family?
Helpful response: You were born into one family and joined our family through adoption. The adults worked together to make sure you were safe and cared for.
Prompt: Does my birth family think about me?
Helpful response: Many birth families think about their children and wonder how they are doing. We can talk about what we know together.
School age (ages 7–11)
Prompt: Why was I adopted?
Helpful response: The adults in your life made a plan through adoption because they believed it would help make sure you were safe, cared for, and had what you needed to grow. Adoption was an adult decision and was never because of anything you did.
Prompt: Did my birth parents love me?
Helpful response: Love and the ability to parent are not always the same thing. Many birth parents love their children very much, even when they are unable to safely care for them. What we know is that many adults worked together because they wanted the best for you.
Prompt: Why wasn’t I able to stay with my brothers and sisters?
Helpful response: Sometimes children cannot stay together because of circumstances that adults are trying to manage. That can feel sad, unfair, or confusing. We can talk about what we know about your siblings and your connection to them.
Prompt: Why don’t I know everything about my story?
Helpful response: Sometimes information gets lost, is unavailable, or adults did not record everything. We will always share what we know with you, and if we learn new information, we will share that too.
Prompt: Do my birth parents think about me?
Helpful response: Many adopted children wonder about that. While we cannot always know exactly what someone is thinking, it is very common for birth parents to think about and wonder about their children.
Prompt: Is it okay to miss my birth family?
Helpful response: Absolutely. You can love your family here and still miss, think about, or wonder about your birth family. There is room for all of those feelings.
Prompt: Why do I feel different from other kids?
Helpful response: Many adopted children feel different at times, especially when talking about family histories or where they came from. Feeling different does not mean you do not belong. You are an important part of this family, and your unique story matters.
Prompt: Was it my fault that I was adopted?
Helpful response: No. Adoption happens because of adult circumstances and decisions. Nothing you did caused your adoption, and nothing you could have done would have changed those adult challenges.
Prompt: Can I be happy and sad about adoption at the same time?
Helpful response: Yes. Many people who are adopted have mixed feelings. You can be grateful, curious, happy, sad, angry, and proud all at the same time. Feelings about adoption can change as you grow.
Adolescence (ages 12–18)
Prompt: I feel angry, confused, or sad about being adopted.
Helpful response: Those feelings make sense. Many adopted people experience different emotions about adoption at different times.
Prompt: I want more contact with my birth family.
Helpful response: Thank you for telling me. Let’s talk about what feels important to you and explore what might be possible.
