The return to school can bring big feelings and bigger behaviours, especially for children who have experienced trauma. In this reflection, Family Support Specialist Christina Kunz shares a reminder to look beneath the behaviour, support our own regulation, and give ourselves grace when difficult moments don’t go as planned.
Has anyone else felt like things got harder once school started?
There is something about the return to school that can bring big feelings and sometimes even bigger behaviours. The mornings may be rushed, the afternoons can feel tense, and by the time everyone gets home, it can seem like your child has completely run out of capacity.
For many children, especially children who have experienced trauma, transitions and changes that other children may seem to take in stride can require much more time and energy. A new classroom, a different teacher, a new routine, unfamiliar expectations, more people, more noise, and more stimulation can all add up.
And then there is the school day itself.
Children are processing an enormous amount of information from the moment they arrive. They are learning, listening, following directions, navigating friendships, managing their bodies, interpreting social cues and responding to expectations. For children who need additional support, that support at school can sometimes fall short of what they actually need. That is an important conversation in itself, but for now, it is worth remembering what all of that effort can mean when your child walks through the front door.
Sometimes, home is where the feelings finally come out.
You may already know the reminder: behaviour is communication. We know that our children are communicating a need through their behaviour, and that our job is to look beneath the behaviour to understand what might be happening underneath. But knowing something and being able to do it in the moment are two very different things.
When your child is yelling, refusing, melting down, slamming a door or pushing every button you have, it can be incredibly difficult not to take it personally. It can be hard to pause and think, What are they trying to tell me? when you are already overwhelmed yourself.
That doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong. Sometimes we simply need the reminder.
One parent in one of our groups shared that she puts weekly reminders in her phone calendar to remind herself to look beneath the behaviour. I thought this was brilliant. Not because she doesn’t already know this, but because she recognizes that knowing it isn’t always enough. We all need reminders of what we believe when we’re in the middle of a hard moment.
Maybe your reminder is:
This is communication, not defiance.
They aren’t giving me a hard time; they are having a hard time.
My child is still healing.
Connection before correction.
Or simply:
Pause. Look underneath.
And what about you?
We talk so much about helping our children regulate, but it is equally important that we take care of our own regulation. If your child’s school day has been long, busy and full of stimulation, chances are your day has been full too. You may be trying to get dinner on the table, reply to emails and text messages, manage siblings, keep your place somewhat tidy, get everyone where they need to go and somehow remain patient through it all.
Sometimes the most supportive thing you can do for your child is take a moment to take care of yourself first.
Step into another room. Take a breath. Have a glass of water. Text someone who understands. Give yourself five minutes before tackling the next thing. It is okay to say, I need a minute.
Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish. It helps you stay regulated enough to be the safe place your child needs when they come home carrying everything they couldn’t hold during the day.
And please give yourself grace.
There will be days when you respond exactly how you hoped you would. There will also be days when you lose your patience, feel overwhelmed or simply don’t know what to do next.
That’s okay. It is hard. And it is okay that it is hard.
We don’t have to get every moment right. We can repair. We can reconnect. We can try again.
Sometimes reconnection can be incredibly small: sitting beside your child, sitting outside their bedroom door, offering a snack, watching a show together, going for a walk, giving them a hug if they want one, or simply saying, “Today seemed really hard. I’m glad you’re home.”
You don’t have to solve everything.
Sometimes your child just needs to know that you are still there.
As we move into the school year, let’s normalize the messy days. Let’s remember that adjustment doesn’t happen on the same timeline for every child. And let’s remember that children who have experienced trauma may need more time, more patience and more support as they navigate changes that others might take for granted.
And let’s keep sharing what helps.
I am always grateful when parents tell us the little things they do to get through the hard moments, how they remind themselves to pause, how they reconnect after a difficult day, or how they remind themselves that their child is still healing. You never know when something that works for your family might be exactly the reminder another parent needs.
So as the school year gets underway, perhaps put your own reminder somewhere you’ll see it.
On your calendar. On your phone. On the fridge.
Look beneath the behaviour.
And when you forget, and you will. Give yourself grace and try again.
What is your child communicating that words can’t quite say?
