Navigating adoption questions with love
My husband and I are the very proud parents of two children, ages four-and-a-half and eight, who joined our family by adoption as newborns. They have known about their adoption from a young age. I have a story to share of an experience I had with our daughter, then aged two-and-a-half, at a park. While she […]
The importance of attachment in adoption
The adoptions of children from overseas orphanages, especially of children who are beyond the infancy period, are often considered to be “special needs” adoptions. The same can be said of adoptions of children who have a history of foster care. A common concern for both of these groups of children is that they may suffer […]
Making a lifebook
A lifebook isn’t a baby book, a scrapbook, or a photo album. A lifebook is a detailed account of a child’s life that helps that child make sense of the past and prepare for a successful future. If you haven’t started one for your child, here are some tips to help you get started. Making […]
Ask the expert: When parenting gets tough
Adoption is a rewarding journey, but it can come with unexpected challenges. If your child is struggling to adjust, you’re not alone. Social worker Susan Lees shares insights and resources to help adoptive parents navigate this journey with support and confidence. “Two years ago we adopted a child of six. We have found parenting him […]
Parents or children: Whose job is it to change?
I was presenting at a workshop recently and mentioned, in an off-hand way, that I wondered what surprises we would find with our next adoption. A woman in the front row shot up her hand (front row people are like that). “What do you mean your next adoption? You already have nine children. Why would […]
Meeting the challenges of parenting a special needs teen
In her book, The Face In the Mirror, Marion Crook provides an in-depth examination of teens feelings and perceptions about adoption. She says, “Adopted children need reassurance that they are loved and wanted…. Their appetite for proof that their parents love them and will continue to love them may seem insatiable.” Jayne is such a child. […]
How one adoptive family handles racism
In our experience, the best lessons we can offer are those that teach our children to externalize racism and assure them we will always be there for them. Externalizing racism Because my husband and I do not share our children’s racial or cultural backgrounds, we work extra hard to help them develop skills and strategies […]
Q&A: What people ask us about adopting special needs children
Note: This Q&A was originally published in 2013, when terms like “special needs” were more commonly used. We recognize that language evolves, and we now typically use terms such as “support needs,” “complex needs,” or “disabilities.” We’ve kept the original wording to preserve the authors’ voices and experiences as they were shared at the time. […]
Tips for families considering NAS or alcohol-affected babies
Adapted from: Susan Edelstein, Children with Prenatal Alcohol and/or Other Drug Exposure: Weighing the Risks of Adoption. Washington, DC: CWLA Press, 1995. Source: The Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute (adoption research and studies).
What it’s like to live with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD)
This information applies to any individual who is functionally dependent on others in some specific areas, and who does not learn from correction, or who does not “get” why people are distressed with their behavior. Parents, teachers and support persons of individuals with Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD) are sometimes faced with episodes of extreme […]
Are you up to parenting a child with FASD?
When I met Susan Bell* in her large, Surrey home, I was immediately struck by how ordered and tidy it seemed, especially considering it’s home to several teens. I had pictured a far more hectic, cluttered place. Susan ushered me into her equally immaculate office, and we spoke for two hours about parenting kids with […]
Adoptee finds a nest of her own
When, at the age of 16, April O’Neil’s social worker told her she’d like to adopt her, April’s world was turned upside down. Here, April movingly describes her immediate emotions moments after she was told. It was clear to me that I was standing in one spot- so it must have been the room that […]
Foster mom puts kids first in adoption preparation
Long before I met my children, their foster mom, Vickie, gallantly bestowed upon me the title “Mom.” To the children, this was a significant title indeed. Before the pre-placement visits started, Vickie also started to refer to herself as “Auntie Vickie,” instead of Mom—when there are other birth children in the home, foster children easily […]
Reunion in international adoption
“Aren’t you interested in visiting Vietnam?” “Don’t you want to look for your birth parents?” “As soon as I save enough money, I’m planning to go to Bangladesh to search for my birth family.” These are a few of the questions and comments directed at our 22-year-old son, who up to that time had never […]
Adoption against all the odds
The following story is far from typical-most BC families that adopt from the US have a much easier experience. This story speaks to the immense strength of the desire to become parents. Despite the enormous difficulty of their journey, the couple we feature here persevered. That is a characteristic of many adoptive families-it is a […]
When birth parents change their minds
Though they are rare, and most adoptions go through seamlessly, revocations by birth parents happen. In BC, birth parents have 30 days from the time their child is born to change their minds and decide to parent their child. Usually those 30 days pass by, albeit slowly, and the parents can breathe a sigh of […]
Mail brings unexpected connection
When Chelsea was adopted, her young birthmom gave a letter, photo, bracelet, and blanket to her daughter. At first, her adoptive parents sent letters and photos via their social worker. Then each family moved and contact was lost—until now. When I was a little girl, I used to love to jump out of the car […]
The grandmother clause
The impact of including grandparents in the adoption (and post-adoption) process. The impact of open adoption on birth and adoptive families is only beginning to be understood. Recent research explores the perspectives of birth grandmothers who had direct contact with their birth grandchildren. The findings clearly demonstrate some of the benefits and challenges of open […]
Romanian adoption research
These are the findings of Dr. Elinor Ames’ research on the Development of Romanian Children Adopted to Canada. In 1990, Dr. Ames, an adoptive parent and professor of developmental psychology at BC’s Simon Fraser University, began her research on the effects of institutionalization on children adopted to BC from Romanian orphanages. That same year, 1013 […]
Explaining the need to know my birth family
“If I were an adoptee, I think I’d want to search for my birth parents. I’d be curious, I think,” Cathy tells me. “Oh, no, I wouldn’t want to,” says Joanne. “I was raised by my biological parents and I may look like them, but I am nothing like them in personality. Who cares whose […]
Living openness: On showing up
Getting to know you Someone once said that “ninety percent of life is showing up.” This is particularly true in open adoption – something I learned from my son’s birth dad, William. We met William, and his very pregnant girlfriend Sierra, four years ago. He was late, and we were nervous. Sierra’s mother had blown […]
The power of art therapy in adoption
Art therapy and adoption go well together. The creative process used in art therapy can assist children and adults to understand their feelings and experiences through non-verbal means. It can also assist with the development of social skills, the management of behaviours, the reduction of anxiety and depression, and it can heal trauma and increase […]
Advice on adopting a sibling group
Cathy Sarino works for Kelowna Community Resources in their Special Needs Adoption Program. Her job is to help children understand, and hopefully accept, that they cannot live with their birth parents or their foster parents. She works with the children and their foster parents to deal with the grief and loss and guide them into […]
Ask the expert: Adoptees on identity
A new report reminds us of the challenges some adoptees have in forming their identity, and what could make it easier. A major new study finds adoption has a profound and enduring impact on the identity of adoptees. Based on input from the experts on the subject – adults who were adopted as children, the […]
Ask the expert: Open adoption
This article explores what open adoption really means and how it can benefit everyone involved. My wife and I are looking to adopt. We’ve been told that open adoption is the trend these days. Just how open is open? I’m concerned that the birth mother will take over our lives and that our child won’t […]
Navigating anxiety
I have always been anxious. I didn’t recognize it until my mid 30s, when I went through full-blown, severe anxiety and depression. After months of hell, I saw the pain as the message it was: “you need to change.” During a lengthy process of growth and learning, I looked back and saw the patterns of […]
The truth about confabulation
Is it lying? No, it’s confabulation and there’s a big difference! Time and time again we hear from adoptive parents that one of the hardest behaviours to take is children lying to them. They experience the lie as a personal affront, a show of disrespect, and a harbinger of anti-social behaviour to come. There are […]
What is open adoption?
Ask five people what their definition of open adoption is and you are likely to get five answers. Some may think that allowing an expectant parent to choose the prospective adoptive parents from a profile of non-identifying information is an open adoption. Still others may say that those who met prior to placement and who […]
The siblings are here!
Having more sisters and brothers means more love and sometimes having to hide all your nailpolish. Kendra is 15 years old and a big sister to six siblings. Mary Caros interviewed Kendra about her experience with being the oldest sister in a family that chooses to adopt more children. Tell me a bit about your […]
Am I ready to adopt a sibling group?
Are you thinking of adopting a sibling group? Before you decide, ask the following: If you have answered “No” to any of these questions, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t adopt a sibling group! It means that you need to think carefully about the topics you have answered “No” to. Talk to one of our Family […]
School 101: For adoptive parents
Starting school for the first time, or a new school year, can present challenges for adoptive parents and their children. We have prepared this brief guide to help prepare you and your child for the school experience and to circumvent some of the problems you may encounter. Newly adopted older kids International adoption Racism and […]
Ask the expert: The parentified child
Many children in foster care exhibit parentified behaviours, making it difficult for them and their new parents to negotiate healthy parent-child relationships. We spoke with Anne Melcombe, BSW, an adoption social worker and former Permanency Support Specialist at Belonging Network, about parenting the parentified child. Anne was a Level 2 foster parent for more than […]
Family is big to Sean Carlo
Sean Carlo is father to 15 children with 11 of them still at home. How does he cope? One child at a time. Sean Carlo and his wife Debbie started thinking about adoption some time after their fifth child, a daughter, was born. They often looked after four neighbor girls and found it too quiet […]
Ask the expert: How to communicate difficult information to birth parents
Navigating relationships with a child’s birth parents can be complex for adoptive families, especially when challenges arise. How much should you share? When is it appropriate to involve birth parents, and when should boundaries be reinforced? In this conversation, adoption professionals Brenda McCreight and Lee Crawford explore these everyday dilemmas, offering guidance on setting healthy […]
Birth Mother’s Day or Mother’s Day
We are both his mothers, and to become the wonderful son he is today, we were both necessary in his life. For many years there was no choice—either a birth mother was honoured and recognized on Mother’s Day, or not at all. In 1990, a group of Seattle birth mothers sought to correct that oversight […]
Finding First Nations roots
As adoptive parents who began our journey with our application to adopt almost 25 years ago, we’ve seen some changes along the way. One of those changes has been regarding the adoption of children of First Nations ancestry into non-First Nations homes. Our first adoption was a child of First Nations ancestry, and we were […]
When forever comes
“Imagine being married to someone for eight years, and then being told that you have to get a divorce and some stranger will choose your new spouse. Then imagine moving in with that person after only knowing them for a little while. What if they don’t like you, or you don’t like them — what […]
Finding family in the information age
To make technology work for you, harness your kids’ skills If someone told me ten years ago that I’d find my birth family online, I would have laughed. Ten years ago, we thought Y2K would spell the end of the internet. I never suspected this information superhighway would become my road to finding my sisters. […]
Birth fathers: In the shadows of adoption
Adoption expert, Mary Martin Mason, asks us to open our minds about birth fathers – a much misunderstood segment of the adoption world. At best, he is viewed as a mystery man; at worst, he is seen as a villain. But in almost all cases, birth fathers are deeply misunderstood. “The emotional cost of the […]
To Russia with regrets
When a seven-year-old boy, adopted by an American family, was returned to Moscow with a note explaining that his new family no longer wanted him, there was universal outrage. According to the adoptive grandmother, the family was unaware of the behavioural challenges the young boy had, and they became overwhelmed with fear after he openly […]
Respite: how to make it a reality for your family
Respite is a vital support for many adoptive families, but it can be a challenge to access funding and to find trustworthy and reliable caregivers. In this article, an adoptive mom of many explains how to make respite a basic part of your family lifestyle rather than a last resort. “I can’t deal with this […]
Why we embraced our kids’ regression
“Daaaddyyy… I reddy for waaaiipe…!” My recently adopted child yelled out. “Coming!” I sang back. I look back now, years later, to those daily routines of officially being a bum wiper for my children as precious moments. They were opportunities for each of my children to know that I am dependable and committed, and that […]
Ask the expert: Adoption and the school
Jennifer Hillman, a former Belonging Network regional coordinator, shares advice for helping children navigate hurtful comments about adoption. My six-year-old daughter came home from school very upset after a friend had told her that I was a “fake” mom. How can I help her face such difficult comments? First, have a discussion with your daughter […]
Open adoption for birth parents
A guide that covers the basics of openness and adoption for birth parents. Birth parents matter Sometimes you might not feel like it, but you are important to your child. Even if you are not parenting your child, it doesn’t mean you can’t play an important role—you can. Kids usually want to know where they […]
Diary of an Adoptive Mom series
Here are some of the articles from our long-running Diary of an Adoptive Mom series. This adoptive mother shares her experiences and secret thoughts of raising three children. This series ran from 2006 to 2010. Note: Diary entries #1 to #7 are unavailable
Siblings with FASD
An honest account of the fun and frustration involved in growing up with twin brothers who both have FASD. When I was in kindergarten, my parents adopted two-year-old twin brothers. They brought with them a double-dose of both love and of calamity. On the spectrum, both boys were easily diagnosed as “severely affected.” The first […]
The benefits of big families
Do big adoptive families work better for children with attachment issues? The families we spoke to all think so. These days, having numerous kids tends to be considered eccentric. For some children though, a bursting-at-the-seams-family may be exactly what they need. To learn more about how big adoptive families can benefit certain kids, and what […]
Family matters: Telling about birth siblings
A few months ago, we told our 6-year-old son that he has two older birth siblings who live with his birthmom. He doesn’t want to see photos of his siblings, or talk about it. How can we help? At this age, kids are just beginning to understand the idea of adoption and where babies come […]
BC transracial adoptee shares her story
Why did you write the book? The inspiration (this is one of a series of books) stems from my own experience and from talking to adoptees, adoptive parents, and birth parents. Throughout my life I’ve had to answer so many “why?” questions: “Why is your skin so dirty?” “Why don’t you look like your mom […]
Teens and driving: A personal perspective
When a young adult has Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder (FASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), or other challenges that might affect his or her ability to drive a vehicle safely, what should parents do to protect their child, other pedestrians and drivers? Even a typical teen takes quite a while to develop the skills needed […]
