My husband and I are the very proud parents of two children, ages four-and-a-half and eight, who joined our family by adoption as newborns. They have known about their adoption from a young age.
I have a story to share of an experience I had with our daughter, then aged two-and-a-half, at a park. While she was playing on a swing I had a conversation with a proud father about the recent birth of his second child. As my daughter and I were leaving the park, she said to me, “Mommy, will I be your little girl for always?”
Here she was, listening to my conversation with this man and it brought up questions about her adoption. It struck me then, that we, as parents, don’t ever really know how much or how often our children think about their adoption story, unless they share their thoughts with us. Of course, I assured my daughter that we are a forever family and that she will always be our daughter.
Our elder child, our son, has until recently, been quiet about his adoption. He seldom asks questions about his birth family, whereas our daughter talks about her birth mother regularly. Once she tried to use her birth mother as an alibi when I asked her if she had rinsed her mouth after brushing her teeth. She said, “No, Mommy, I didn’t. My birth mother said I didn’t have to!” In general she fantasizes more than our son, so this response didn’t come as a total surprise.
I have come to realize that our children will each have their own and unique reaction to their adoption, and it is our responsibility to support them the best we can. Our son has recently expressed his feelings more about his adoption, sharing with us his sorrow of being separated from his birth parents. Our daughter gets upset at times, telling us that she misses her birth mother. We have ongoing contact with our son’s birth grandmother and great grandmother, with annual visits at our home or theirs. Our son met his birth father when he was three years old, and we hope to arrange another visit in the near future.
For both of our childrens’ birth parents, we send letters and pictures bi-annually. We have no contact at this time with our daughter’s extended birth family. This has posed some questions for her, as she would like to see her birth family too. It is hard to explain to a four-year-old why things are the way they are when it comes to contact with birth families.
I have recently thought that I could use some guidance and teaching on how best to answer our children’s questions at different age levels, and how best to comfort them in their sad times. I realize that raising adopted children does not come totally “naturally” when it comes to answering our children’s questions and relieving their feelings of loss. I am sometimes at a loss on how to react to their feelings, and I so want to do the right thing. I feel that this area of their lives is fragile and precious, and I fear making things harder for them.
It is true that as adoptive parents we have a lifelong journey in loving our children and in helping them through life with their adoption stories. It is a journey I wouldn’t trade for anything in the world. We feel so totally blessed to have these children given to us. I have shared this story for all adoptive parents to read and relate to, and for waiting parents too.
