In the thirteenth of our series we present the secret thoughts of an adoptive mom of three kids. This time, our struggling mom feels better, and weathers Christmas.
December
Just this morning I was sitting in the van (as usual) waiting for the girls to finish preschool (as usual) when this bizarre and unfamiliar feeling came over me.
At first I didn’t know what it was, and then it hit me. I was actually feeling happy! And then I started laughing at myself. It had been so long since I’ve felt happy that I hadn’t even noticed!
It’s been about a month since I started on the meds. The dizziness was bearable, and then there were about 10 days of nausea and really bad headaches, but it seems to have levelled off now. But this feeling of happiness is worth it. And I’m not talking about the drug-induced, blubbering idiot type of happiness either. I actually felt really happy.
It has been so long since I’ve felt this way. Have I mentioned that already? I can’t believe how I’ve avoided noticing this. How weird is that? But I guess I’ve just been so wrapped up in the kids and all the issues that it’s been easy to ignore my own emotions.
Anyways, after I dropped the girls at preschool this morning, I went o the gym at the rec centre and left Grant in the child minding room while I worked out, which really made me fell better about myself. Except what is it with all the mirrors in the fitness rooms? Does anyone really want to see themselves from every angle while on the StairMaster?
I’ve had a few really down days–same way I felt before, but overall I’m much better than I was. I sure hope I can get through Christmas without losing it. Some days are still emotionally exhausting–like today. By dinner time Lynn has ripped her pants to shreds, tried to completely destroy a book, inflicted several forms of physical torture on her siblings, worked on dismantling her dresser, and peed and pooped on her bedroom floor. I don’t think there’s a medication int he world that could have stopped me from losing it at that point.
Our behaviourist says that when Lynn’s behaving this way, she need even more positive attention. How can I provide that when I’m an emotional dishrag by then and have nothing left to give? The destructiveness drives me crazy.
December 31
Christmas went really well. Surprisingly well actually. It was so great to see the girls get up on Christmas morning and run to the three to see what Santa had brought. My parents were here and it was fine. Maybe it is the meds? They only stayed for three days, and I’m sure they were glad to escape the insanity.
I ate way too much bad food over the holidays and probably gained at least ten pounds. I guess Dr. Phil would say that I’m medicating with food. And he’s probably right. Well, once the girls start back at preschool, then Grant and I will hit the gym again. Honest, I will.
