Supporting your foster child to consider adoption

10 January 2025

We get it. This is hard. It can be really challenging supporting a child that you love and care for to move to a permanent placement.

As a foster parent, you have been trying to provide a loving home, a sense of belonging, safety, and stability. It can feel contradictory to support a child to consider leaving your home and you may struggle with feelings such as guilt, sadness, or fear.

Some foster parents struggle to see the value of adoption and believe that their intention to stay connected and provide some support to the youth as they age out is enough. They may intend to invite the youth to stay a little beyond 19, have them for dinner occasionally, or be in touch via phone to offer advice at times.

Why adoption?

Young adults need more than occasional connection. They need a continuous connection to family, traditions, culture, ethnic heritage, religion, and language. It is crucial to their success to have consistent, ongoing support and unconditional love throughout their adult life. Most youth are not ready to live independently when they turn 19. They may need someone they can stay with well into their early adult years or a home they can return to when they are struggling.

As they are moving out, they might need help with the following:

enrolling in secondary education
finding a home
finding employment
budgeting advice
relationship advice

As young adults, they will need a significant person to be involved with:

celebrating their life events and achievements (birthdays, holidays, graduation, marriage)
supporting them if they become parents (childcare, parenting advice, financial support)

Some will require the support of a family through:

housing instability
addiction
mental health challenges
criminal justice system

Some foster parents provide incredible lifelong support to a child. However, without a legal commitment (adoption or other forms of legal permanency), the relationship with the youth most often becomes weaker over time. Statistics show that children are more likely to receive the necessary, involved, lifelong support when there is a legal commitment. Foster parents can continue to stay connected to the child who moves on to the new adoptive family in whatever capacity they are able, and the child benefits from having many people who love and support them.

Practical ways to support a child or youth to consider permanency

Reassure the child that you are working closely with professionals, their biological family, and other close connections to support them during the planning process. When the child feels supported by everyone who knows them, it can lead to a smoother transition.

Communicate the message of permission to the child. It’s important for children to hear and feel from those who matter to them that it’s okay to love another family. Some children may experience feelings of torn loyalty, especially if they’ve been with their foster parents for many years. They need reassurance that this plan has the support of their foster parents. Help the child or youth understand that they’re not replacing their birth or foster family but rather expanding their family to support them through life.

Ensure the child knows their story and has photos. Foster parents can support a child to complete a life book that documents information about their birth family, why they are in care, placement history, development, interests, schooling, memories, and thoughts. Children transition best to an adoptive family when they have an accurate understanding of their story.

Many children in care have very few photos. Life books are most interesting to kids if they have some photos, and it’s important for them to have a separate photo album (with backup of pictures—USB, Cloud storage) provided by the foster parent.

Consider, with the help of the social worker, counsellor, or recruiter, how you might explain to the child why you are not in the position to adopt. In an attempt to provide comfort, foster parents sometimes tell a child that they can stay with them until 19 and beyond. This leaves the child feeling confused as to why they should move to a new family.

The child may not ask why you can’t adopt, but this does not mean the child is not curious. Providing an explanation when you are emotionally prepared and there are no other distracting factors is ideal.

Be honest
Keep it simple
Write it down and consider including it in the child’s life book

Here is an example with points to include

“I love you. I decided to become a foster parent because _____________
My role as a foster parent is to provide you with _________________ while plans are made towards finding you a forever family.
My plans for the future include_______
I hope to stay connected to you by __________
I know that change is hard. The idea of a new school, community, and making new friends seems like a lot. However, moving to a new family at this age will allow you more time to attach and create strong, meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime.
Children need a family to support them through challenges, celebrate their achievements, and be there for them throughout their whole lives.
Being your foster parent has been________________
I will always care for you and want to remain connected. However, an adoptive family can offer you a lifelong commitment that I am not in the position to make”.

Reassure the child that they will maintain connections with you, their bio family, friends, and others after they move. These connections can take many forms, such as phone calls, online communication, visits, or sending gifts. Be mindful not to make promises beyond your control, and reassure the child that adoptive families value and support these connections while prioritizing the child’s safety and well-being. Remind the child of practical factors—such as cost, time, and the family’s location—that may influence how these connections are maintained.

Have ongoing conversations about the differences between foster care and adoption to ensure the child fully understands. These talks should involve everyone supporting the child in their permanency plan.

Encourage the child to express their understanding of the differences in their own words. Use open-ended questions like, “How do you think being adopted is different from being in foster care?” or “What do you think the biggest difference will be when you are adopted?”

Be careful not to create a dream family that does not exist, and ensure the child knows there will be similar rules and expectations for them in their new family.

Help the child relate adoption to something familiar in their life. For example, you might say, “You know how we visit my siblings and their kids, and we spend Christmas with my extended family? Being adopted means you’ll have a family like this when you’re a grown-up.”

Comfort the child by reminding them that:

They will get to know their new family very slowly through visits before moving in.
They will be supported throughout the transition, with regular check-ins from their social worker to identify and address any challenges as they arise.
They will be heard and listened to.

Educate the child about adoption by:

Reading stories provided by the social worker
Watching movies (The Blind Side, Kung Fu Panda 2, Martian Child, Instant Family). Check out other movie suggestions on the Adoption Support website. Consider watching the movie on your own to ensure you feel it is appropriate, before watching it with the child. Be prepared for conversations that may arise.
Sharing positive, true stories of people you know personally or of famous adoptees. Some famous people are Steve Jobs (founder of Apple), Sarah McLachlan (Vancouver singer), Bill Clinton (Previous president of the US), Jamie Foxx (actor in Spiderman), Colin Kaepernick (pro footballer).
Connecting or introducing the child to someone who has been adopted and can share their experience.

Support the child emotionally by asking about their fears, concerns, and what they might be looking forward to. You may be the child’s most trusted person. If you’re unsure how to respond, let them know you’ll find an answer and get back to them, then seek guidance.

Prepare for challenges the child and your family may experience. Some strategies are: