Cathy, along with her amazing partner, Dave, is parent to 16 children: four by birth and twelve by adoption, aged from 33 down to 12 years of age. She has nine grandchildren with number ten on the way. Together, Cathy and Dave have presided over countless holiday celebrations with their everchanging family.
We couldn’t think of anyone better to ask for advice on how adoptive and permanency families can make their holidays happy and fun, no matter what’s going on at home.
What are the holidays like in your family?
Christmas is a time for love and laughter, twinkling lights, the smell of fresh baked gingerbread and evergreen trees, a warm fire, turkey, mashed potatoes and gravy, the companionship of all those you care about, and, of course, every gift you had on your list, wrapped in Martha Stewart style and placed under the perfectly decorated tree. At least that’s my Christmas. Isn’t it yours?
I’m sure there are people out there recreating that perfect scene every year, but, in reality, it’s never happened at our house. First of all, my gift wrapping typically resembles what one might expect of a four-year-old, and the tree is covered in items that were made by a series of second graders: juice can lids with photos glued haphazardly on them, and paper gingerbread men with one googly eye left. There is usually a gingerbread house on display, with most of the candy already eaten, although it’s been years since I actually baked the gingerbread myself. There’s turkey, mashed potatoes, and gravy. We’ve long stopped trying to place everything our children desire under the tree, but there is love in abundance at our house.
Adoptive families often face unique challenges during the holidays. What are the keys to a positive holiday experience?
Don’t anticipate that the good feelings and gifts will be appreciated by your kids, especially if they are relatively new to the family. They will inevitably be missing people from their past. It’s just a fact of life. If you have extended family around to share the love, they may not feel that same connectedness. In fact, it may make them feel even more isolated and alone. It’s hard work getting to know new people, and the holidays are typically a time when we bring all kinds of extra people into our kids’ lives.
We’ve learned in our family that the size of the stack of gifts under the tree does not relate to the happiness level on Christmas morning (or any of the succeeding days). In fact, it has an almost reverse effect. You cannot fill emotional holes with stuff, nor can you make up for years of gift deficits. We now do what we should have always done: create a holiday that is all about connection and family. Most of our kids have absorbed that as the most important thing of all. It hasn’t always been easy. There have been Christmases where kids who just couldn’t handle all the good feelings tried their best to destroy it for everyone. We’ve experienced smashed windows, destroyed gifts, and holes in walls. We’ve learned to deal with the physical needs of the situation, shrug our shoulders, and move on.
What are some proactive things parents can do to make the holidays work for everyone?
I’ve long encouraged the development of family traditions for adoptive families. Even if you didn’t have any traditions before your children joined your family, you can start some now. It doesn’t take long for kids to embrace them. However, you may find your family members’ needs require you to be flexible about those traditions and patterns, and that’s OK, too. What I’ve discovered in my decades of parenting is that change is the only thing I can guarantee. And I’ve learned that a sense of humor is a key ingredient in any celebration with children!
We’ve also learned it helps to prepare kids in advance for our traditions. You can show photos of family members they might meet, and talk about who they are. You can talk about expectations around gift giving, and tell them about the special dates around the holidays when you do things that are important to your family. If your child has arrived soon before the holidays, you might want to keep it simple for this special year, if you can.
If your child is from another country, the holiday season may have many elements that might seem odd or unfamiliar. A tree in the house? A guy in a red suit with a beard whose lap you are supposed to sit on? These things will take some explaining.
Any other thoughts or tips?
If you can forget the Hallmark holiday images, you will probably be fine. Think Charlie Brown, and the Griswold family. Think of The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, by Dr. Seuss: “It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!…. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn’t before! ‘Maybe Christmas,’ he thought, ‘doesn’t come from a store. Maybe Christmas… perhaps… means a little bit more!’
Cathy Gilbert has worked to support children and families for over 35 years in a variety of both paid and volunteer capacities.
