Growing up in foster care, I had great difficulties trusting others because it seemed that everyone was leaving me and often times fear and ignorance prevent trust.
When I first me Joanne and John, I feared that this would be another relationship that would fail. My ignorance and fear got in the way of developing the relationship. Every day I questioned whether or not Joanne would leave or stop caring for me because I felt that I was unlovable. When it came time to get personal and share parts of my life, my fear only deepened. I often pushed Joanne away due to my insecurities, and this became frustrating for not only Joanne but for me as well.
I just couldn’t understand the concept of someone loving me for who I am. It took me a good year to believe that Joanne and John would truly and always be there for me. This came with many ups and downs, many arguments and many tears. But slowly things got better, I became less insecure and I finally opened up to the two people that showed me the most love and kindness. I opened my heart and shared my deepest and darkest secrets and fears. I knocked down the brick wall that was hiding my heart. They didn’t judge me because of my past and the awful things that happened to me. Instead, they care for me when no one else would.
So to all you young girls and boys out there that are afraid to open your hearts, listen to me. It may be touch and frightening at first. Actually, I guarantee you that it will be. That’s how the human brain thinks when it’s been through trauma and is trying to protect itself from being hurt again. You will question each and every relationship that you may develop, whether it is with an adoptive parent, an aunt, or a friend, and that is 100% okay. It’s okay to hide your heart behind a brick wall because you’re afraid of being hurt. I did. But don’t let your fear get in the way of feeling secure in a relationship.
Open your heart and share your secrets, because you are loved. And it’s kind a kind of love that nothing could possibly change. You are loved for who you are, not your dark secrets that you’re afraid to share. Take it day by day and moment by moment. Slowly, things will get easier and you’ll find someone that you can trust completely.
